© 2019 Wedgie Magazine. All Rights Reserved.

APRIL 2018

HOROSCOPES#?
this month by Ninja Bottanie 

What a vile blow: 2018 is a leap year so it’s April already. This month is definitely full of doubt. Or is it? Yes. I’m afraid it is. So this month is all about questions and their answers – when was the last time you stopped to ask a question? I’ve consulted with Mars and some stars and we concomitantly reckon that a question mark could become a new kind of hashtag if we all make an effort. If you’re like me and don’t have a star sign, then don't worry: just close your eyes and point randomly at the screen; congratulations, that’s your star sign this month.

READERS ! For a free, personal reading, please e-mail wedgiemagazine@gmail.com with your name, star sign, and a question about anything in the universe. Your question will be featured here next month with my response.

ARIES

 

Maybe it’s time to stop the frilly stuff. Aries would do well to remember that artists and musicians are the idiot children of the world. There’s nothing your future self will thank you for when you write a poem about the struggles of writing a poem… Why not write a dissertation or academic essay, or something that matters? Of course I’m joking. Poems save lives (of poets).

GEMINI

 

Alex, you’re doing fine, mate. Any other Gemini who’s not Alex, why not take a leaf out of his book? Actually you can’t, that’s plagiarism. Get original for once won’t you, Gemini, stop copying other Geminis, Alex. An additional conundrum: the robot actor’s name is Germinoid F, which is an anagram of ‘Dr. of Gemini’… Maybe she has the answers you seek questions for that I couldn’t think of here.

TAURUS

 

If success is a state of mind, then custard is a state of matter. Is success more important than custard? Or does success simply open the custard door? Does it matter/custard? April is the month to confront these uncomfortable questions.

VIRGO

 

Virgo, we’re going to need your vegetarian wind-passing very soon. There’s a film that exists in which the main protagonist is not only female, but also a real-life robot. Are robots going to replace actors/women/women actors? Will your wind-passing help clarify the general situation for undecided spectators?

CAPRICORN

Capricorn, it’s time to make some changes to the weekly routine this month. Why not add an eighth day to the ‘traditional’ 7-day week? Where would you put it…? And can we get rid of Tuesday? I have a rendez-vous I can’t be bothered with.

PISCES

While it’s undoubtedly a pain when people ask “what do you do?”, maybe you should think of a better answer. “I think I’m gonna go back to college and study criminology” doesn’t cut it any more, it only tells people about your Netflix viewing history. If you fill your time with real life, then you’ll have a better answer (e.g. “I do the crystal maze. In one of those real-life centres” or “I look after people’s cats when they’re away”).

LEO

Leo, love is in the air this month... Please remember to wear your gas mask at all times. Love isn’t poisonous or anything, I just prefer you with the mask on. Question everything. But with the mask on.

 

 

SAGITTARIUS

As the superior star sign, is it morally wrong to order a single can of Dr Pepper for delivery? Is this a sign of agoraphobia, or of privilege? And is privilege a Dr Pepper? What kind of world do we live in. That was rhetoric. And what do hashtags actually, truly, mean? Can we still use them to denote numbers or does that confuse the deliveroo website?

 

 

SCORPIO

 

Can yoga help when your toilet is blocked? When your cat goes missing, why don’t you ask the other cats in the area instead of humans? They’re far more likely to have seen your lost cat. If humans are so superior to cats then they should be able to understand cat-speak.

 

CANCER

 

You’re a rebel, Cancerian. You don’t like people telling you what to do, you can’t stand predictability, and you’d rather eat a crab alive-alive-o than have someone tell you what to think. But apart from jay walking, speaking backwards, and throwing cornichons at people you find attractive, why not ask yourself some questions beginning with ‘Why’ (e.g. ‘How do you like this?’)?

AQUARIUS

Embrace minimalism this month, Aquarius. It will leave space for important questions, such as, shall I move my lampshade? And what’s behind the lampshade? Behind deep, sensitive souls/lampshades, do simple narcissists lurk? This is getting scary, turn the light back on.

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