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DOLLARSCOPES
this month by Nina Bitchin

JULY 2017

Star-reader and moonshiner Nina Bitchin is sorry for the lateness of July’s dollarscopes – she was at her daily 17-hours/day 7-days/week job. As she* will tell you, “When it comes to the money I don't under, I overstand.”

NB. Dollars are a specific currency, but in this context the word is used to indicate, more generally, money. So these dollarscopes still apply to you whether you like it or not.

PISCES

This month, it will be hard not to resent people who don’t seem to struggle to survive in the way that you do. But privilege comes in all shapes and sizes. Yours is in the shape and size of the roof over your head.

ARIES

 

It’s worth saving up the pennies, because you might see something you like one day that you need to swap for money. *Play that Styrofoam like a xylophone

TAURUS

 

Oh Taurus. Stop selling out your friends to the tabloids; it’s embarrassing (for them). Try to get into the characters a bit more before you embellish and fart out their story to the world – only in rumination will you find true richness.

GEMINI

 

July is the Gemini’s month to invest. After all, money related stress problems are probably some of the worst stress problems there are, so why not just get rid of it. All of it.

VIRGO

 

The moon is shopping in LiDL and the pikey constellation is feeling neglected. This is Virgo’s month for bankruptcy and desperation – but it will be better in the future.

CAPRICORN

You have a lot of mental energy this month, so why not use it to be less mental and more productive. Go for gold and *gimme a tall cup of Pimp C.

LIBRA

Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Michael Bloomberg, Amancio Ortega Gaona: all of them are… Libras. And three of them are men. As the wealthiest star sign, you can look forward to more of the same, especially if you are a man. *You’re getting paper like a Billy goat.

LEO

This month, you will climb under the table at a dinner party and enjoy it. If you’re wealthy you’ll be fondly referred to as eccentric, if you’re poor you’ll be called mentally unstable and people will avoid you.

 

 

SAGITTARIUS

As the superior star sign, you know everything about money. But you also know that there are more valuable things, such as friendship, routine, and chicken skin. *Middle finger in the air bottle!

 

 

SCORPIO

 

It’s July, the month of Quintilis horribilis. This is a weird way of saying that you will probably have no spare cash this month. *Stretch it out like spandex

 

CANCER

 

The sun is in Cancer this month, which means you’re July’s hot shit. Look forward to a promotion and *leave the jackals in the ambulance.

AQUARIUS

This month is all about teamwork. Join forces with another independent, no-nonsense entity (e.g. a bank) and take yourself on a luxurious holiday.

> june issue

by Nina Bitchin

Check your past did not go accordingly to plan... Madness.

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