this month by Ninja Bottanie
Because most people who read horoscopes are single, and because most people who write them wish they were pirates or hackers, this month is all about bridging the gap and recognising that we’re all sometimes lonely and, let’s be honest, had hoped for something more than ‘this’. If you’re like me and don’t have a starsign, get aaata here! This is not the place for you, because there is no hope for you. For the rest of you, please enjoy your hopeful horohopes for June 2018.
Hello hairy Aries, long time no see! This month you’re wishing upon a shining star, twinkle twinkle twinkle... So when that star comes tumbling down to planet earth vaporising everything in its path, don’t forget that THAT is kind of what you wished for. Deal with the reality of your dreams.
This month, someone will write a number 1 song for you and it will be broadcast on la Grosse Radio, Gemini. How exciting! Unfortunately, you will never hear it. But isn’t that nice to know! Sometimes the nicest things others do for us are the things we’ll never know about. Why not spread the love and commit random acts of niceness?
Errrrr, did I just write that, Wedgie? I knew horohopes was a bad idea…
Gemini, you’re also a dick.
A surge of power is going to hit you this month because… it’s king Taurus season! But life is not a game and people are not toys, Taur-are-us – people are bombs waiting to go off. Why not channel that new-found power into a world-domination board game or a dance-martial arts combo workout instead of asking people where your steed is?
Hope should inspire action, Virgonomous! If you want to cut the cucumber, and I mean REALLY cut the cucumber (could be nice with some avocado on a tartine, dash of salt, pepper), then hope is the knife handle and action is the blade. You can’t cut the cucumber or mustard with a knife handle alone – get real about your expectations this month, Virgatron. Do something about them.
“Hope is the dream of the waking woman” – Aristotle. Coffee and croissants, please. Maybe a hot shower and superior toothpaste. The winner takes it all this month, Capricorn-on-the-cob!
If everybody in the world agreed to stop doing things they didn’t truly believe in, where would that take us? This month, be prepared to face some harsh realities about what you’re contributing to the shit storm, Pisces. Imagine what you could do if you… if you didn’t do what you’re doing (?).
What a month, eh? Life can be like greasy churros when you wanted ones that were not greasy. This month, I’ve consulted with a very special constellation just for you, Libra – the Santa Clause Constellation. Things are going to be fine.
Leo, you should probably put a cork in it this June. You’ve spotted a new opportunity, a new horizon, a new new thing, so you need to be on top form, off the bottle, and not saying much. Pluto told me that things are looking up if you shut up. This is also the month to SORT OUT THE COSMETICS DRAWER [wide-eyed dramatic head turn].
As the superior star sign, you don’t even need hope. Hope doesn’t come into it. It’s all about riding the wave, babay. Ride the wave, do the thing.
Saturn is going to align with the zodiac conundrum this month – something rather odd will happen to all Scorpios at sun-up-down on the 22nd of June, so it’s time to prepare for something – could be anything – that will happen. Get on-edgy, Scorpio.
Hello Scabby Crabby. What would hope be without an inspirational video or a dollar bill? Aspiring to be the person who makes inspirational videos, that’s what. Get out of the hope rat race, the pointless fart cycle of other people’s dreams! You don’t need hope this month, you just need some home-cooked food and the window seat in economic/standard (second) class.
Hope rhymes with ‘soap’, and that’s the only link I have for you this month, Aquarius. It’s time to bathe because you smell like your job. Could be a game changer.
Star sign: Sagittarius.
Question: Hello I’m Elise, could you give me a personal star sign reading for this month? I’m a Sagittarius. I’d like to know more about my romantic life please. I’m embarrassed! I’m single and young. Please don’t share my surname.
Response: Hello Elise ! Thank you for your ‘question’, the answer to which is ‘yes, I can’. As to the other garble, here’s the Sagittarian’s forecast for romance this month.
As the superior star sign (although you may be the outlier that proves the rule, Elise.), you don’t need romance. You ARE romance. You sweat big heavy smelly globs of romance. The moon of Jupiter is descending into heaven this month, which means that you should be more concerned with your neighbour’s dog.
READERS ! For a free, personal reading, please e-mail email@example.com with your name, star sign, and a question about anything in the universe. Your question will be featured here next month with my response.