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HORRIBLESCOPES
this month by Nina Bitchin

The sun is in Virgo rising, Mars has integrated into the Pikey Constellation and the moon is full all month. Here are my star readings for March 2017. If you’re like me and don’t have a starsign, don’t worry – even though we’re not officially part of the universe, the upside is that it doesn’t matter.

Our resident psychotic and stargazer, Nina Bitchin, is feeling horrible this month. She hopes you are, too.

MARCH 2017

 

CANCER

 

Hello scabby crabby, my star-struck advice to you this month is to stop falling over: no one likes scabs except you. Apart from anything else, it’s unprofessional. Would you give yourself a payrise?

 

 

SCORPIO

 

Ever wondered why everyone’s speaking French, Scorpio? Saturn tells me it’s because

you’re in France. Now’s the time to conjugate some new verbs. Other exciting planetary events this month: an inspired caffeine drink will bring you joy and a new houseplant is on the way to you.

 

 

SAGITTARIUS

 

As the superior star sign, you should remember to give advice to people, especially when they don’t ask for it, and pull a wise smile a couple of times a day when someone’s looking. You’re going to smash a plate on Sunday, so don’t.

PISCES

 

Now’s the time to pull your fishfinger out. Stop hesitating and do the right thing. It won’t pay off, but at least you can be self-righteous about it. Avoid the colour purple at all costs, it doesn’t do your skin any favours whatsoever and it also repels hope.  

VIRGO

 

Spherical objects align favourably this month, which can only mean one thing for The Virgo:

it’s snooker season. Stay calm and confident, polish your shoes, and try not to swear so

much. If competitive sport isn’t your thing, then the stars tell me that it should be.

TAURUS

 

People seem to be avoiding you this month – why?! Don’t fret, it’s got absolutely nothing to

do with you, but do make some extra effort to be less offensive, impatient, ungracious, lazy,

preoccupied, and self-absorbed. You have great hair this month and a beautiful smile

though. Keep brushing. Both.

 

CAPRICORN

 

Or should I call you Capri-horny? Get a grip, Capricorn, and not on the closest banana. Give

yourself a slap round the face every morning for nine and a half days, and put a basin of

goat’s milk under your bed. You know what I’m talking about so don’t pretend you don’t.

 

LEO

 

Hi Leo. Quieten down, get a haircut, and for Neptune’s sake, stop eating raw meat. The stars

tell me that a pack of wild antelope will pass by on Monday, but you must resist. Why not

try some quinoa instead? You’re basically responsible for GM meat. Shame on you.

GEMINI

 

I personally find Geminis well annoying. Why do you all insist on ripping out the

penultimate page of every Patricia Cornwell book? On the bright side, you’ll fall into a pile of

money this month so carry an empty bag wherever you go.

AQUARIUS

 

If you’re a man: This month will be another successful, effortless breeze – hooray! If you’re a woman: Have you ever considered how hard it is to be a man? It is. Men are humans too, so stop thinking they have it easy.

 

 

LIBRA

 

Keep the faith, you’re a be-Libra! Sometimes it can be hard to believe in the grand design of

the universe and string theory, but know that the butterfly nebula is smiling down on you

and doing all it can to help you succeed. However, you should probably give up whatever

new venture you have going on right now because you’re not that good at it.

 

ARIES

 

Understand, Aries, that trusting someone is just another way of saying they will do what

you want. So, this month, stop trusting people and do activities that bring you no pleasure.

The exception here is dancing, which you should under no circumstances ever do - even if

you are feeling hammy.

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