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HORO'CAN'TCOPES
this month by Nina Bitchin

MAY 2017

Things are looking up. To the sky. And away from the ground. It’s a great view from down here. Unqualified astrologer* and astronomer*, Nina Bitchin, reveals what else the universe has in store for you this month. Come on, universe, give us a break!

 

*untrue

 

Be afraid, be very afraid.

LIBRA

This month, you may find it difficult to cope with the boredom of a boring dinner party with people you know but don’t really know. By all means, drink excessively to get through it, but why not take it one step further? Create a talking point: remove your shoes and put them on your plate, casually claim that you’re a fascist, take the hand of the closest person and begin an instructive Argentinian tango lesson. If this doesn’t have the expected result, at least you’ll finally appreciate the value of small talk.

PISCES

 

Pisces of Paris. This month, you will meet a real life French anarchist. I’m so sorry. It’s best to draw upon your sensitive nature in this unfortunate and inevitable scenario. Please remind said anarchist to grow up. Refer them to Ayn Rand or Winston Churchill if they have any further questions, which they probably won’t.

VIRGO

 

Venus of Virgo. Why not see things from a fresher point of view this month? Turn those ballot papers into bricks if you’re French, and into small origami birds if you’re not. However, remember that if the choice is between a shit sandwich and an empty sandwich, don’t go on a protest hunger strike. Because you’ll probably end up with the shit sandwich.

ARIES

 

Blinking stars against the white backdrop of the ecliptic tell me that, this month, you should embrace simplicity. All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: ‘simple’.

TAURUS

 

Taurean, the Cretin Bull of planet earth. It’s important to do everything you do with passion. Passion is the reason you breathe, the reason you get up in the morning! This month, your passion is keeping your shit together. Do it, and do it well.

GEMINI

 

Empedocles urges you to break the rules this month. Brevity is the source of all beauty, huh? Why not spend this month refuting this ‘fact’! Begin a sentence by loudly stating, ‘I will never, ever, ever-‘ and then just stop talking.

CAPRICORN

Can’t cope, Capricorn? Being a mountain sea-goat on the brink of extinction ain’t no easy task, you say? Well, Capricorn, it’s good to try new things. Why not learn a new recipe and bore yourself by eating nothing else for the entire month?

LEO

Well, Leo, the stars have got some tricks up their sleeves for you. Oh my. Obsessive cleaning is your thing this month. Get excited about a month cleaning the bathroom tiles with your only toothbrush. That should ease the pain of The April Hangover. Spring is here, and it’s quite possible to get high on cleaning products.

 

 

SAGITTARIUS

Jupiter tells me you need a long-deserved break from your tedious life. As the superior star sign, you deserve a holiday! A day at Paris Disneyland. With my four young children. Have fun.

 

 

SCORPIO

 

Saturn tells me that routine is key for the Scorpio this month. This will consist of making a mess, cleaning up the mess, making a mess, cleaning up the mess, making a mess, cleaning up the mess, and on, and on, forever. These divine distractions are what keep us sane. Embrace the cycle.

 

CANCER

 

The stars tell me that, this month, your social life will blossom into a yellow peony. But only if you have an allergy to flowers. If you have no such allergy, you will simply be disappointed with other people. To cope with this second potential issue, learn Spanish.

AQUARIUS

This month’s coping strategies will almost certainly involve heavy gambling. Why not make the most of your psycho-epistemological Neptunal fortune this month? Do a Ouija board in the park to divine the winning lottery numbers.

>april issue

by Nina Bitchin

Check your past did not go accordingly to plan... Madness.

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