this month by Ninja Bottanie 
& Labigge Panne

Our culinary astrological readings this month: mind is body is digestion. Don’t ever forget that. From your very own unownable Ninja Bottanie – Michelin star chef* and psychic*  – and the put-upon kitchen porter and part-time stargazer, Labigge Panne. (*lies).



This little chevre is feeling CHAUD! Aye caramba, Aries, you're a frisky one this month - probably because you spent the best part of the year missing the mark. Time to get back to basics: oysters, champagne, and anything illicit you can get your grubby little horny hooves on. You won't regret it.



Your best friend is getting tired of your poo-faced kale munching. You probably didn't notice because you were busy weighing out your quinoa, pious twin that you are. It's tedious. Take them out for a beer and pizza and say things you'll regret in the morning. Otherwise what the hell is life even about.



It's time to grab the bull by the horns and step up to the plate - you can't put it off any longer. Walk out of your job/kiss the wrong person/jeopardise your integrity - whatever it is, it can't wait! Slurp down on some oxtail soup and grow a pair.


Remember to take your cod liver oil before bed - although you might want to write that down - all sorts of important engagements have been "slipping through the net" lately. Eat more oily fish and buy a diary.



Maybe you should stop telling people you have a favourite food because it makes you sound like a young child. Especially if your favourite food is always "beans" and "cake". And why not try something you can’t buy at Picard for once, which rhymes with "you’re boring" if you say it right.


In many ways, Capricorn, this month your communication skills are akin to a hotdog. Easy to take in, less easy to digest. Why not make an effort to be a little less offensive (like we have this month) and try to explain things a little bit more like a courgette would.

P.S. you’re dumb.


The planetary stars tell me that now’s finally the time to stop eating so much meat, Leo. It’s an unsustainable habit that is responsible for much of the many-much-bad-things happening on planet earth (PM for details). Do us all a favour and eat some of the humans responsible for genetically modified cattle.




As the superior star sign, eat as much pizza as you like – because life is short and pizza is shorter, so it always fits in well with dinner plans.





We are what we eat, so here’s a recipe just for you. Take 9 grains of arsenic, shake well with a dash of polonium for 30 seconds, add a sprinkling of botulinum according to taste, then let it cook in your stomach for 4 minutes.




Hello Crabby, my scab-happy friend. Mercury seems to be suggesting that you eat lots of seafood and fish this month… We’re not sure why and don’t have any clear idea about why this might be a good idea, but since Mercury levels are high in such foods, it could bring you closer to the stars or something.


It’s crayfish season! Oh no, wait, no it’s not, it’s global warming.

> September's


Check your past did not go accordingly to plan...