this month by Ninja Bottanie 

Hello desperate types, nice to see you had such a bad summer that you’re back for a new dose of hope. However, I’m sorry to say that the Andromeda Galaxy is spiralling forever closer to the Milky Way and the Big Bang is imploding. Hi. I’m Ninja Bottany, and I’m your astrologist. Forget le Petit Prince, it’s Hammer time.



The Hubbel constellation is looking down on you. Because you’re a meaningless insect. I’m sorry. In other news, the ‘work meeting’ between Mars and Orion has resulted in a big old rainbow that spans from Nanterre to Marseille. Can’t touch this.



“Oh Sir, Sir! You dropped something! Sir!”

We admire your community spirit, but now’s not the time for testing your orbital parameters because Neptune has an earworm. Are you stupid!? The man dropped a nasty, dirty needle, and that man was a junkie man. Dirty needle with nasty stuff? Put it down. Can’t touch this.



All fish are magic, but remember: eels are electric. Can’t touch this.

(Note: Eel sushi = OK. Raw but unplugged).



The Babylon zodiac is weeping. Why? Because you blew something up again. Stop it. Or you didn’t finish your dinner. I DON’T KNOW STOP ASKING QUESTIONS! I’ve been really, really busy yeah? Moving house, moving furniture, decorating the place. I’m on a budget cos I do horoscopes. Painted the whole place in under 8 hours. That’s a lot of waiting for paint to dry. Can’t touch this.


Forget hammer time. Welcome to your chainsaw lessons. This bit’s the chain, here’s the clutch, here’s the tensioners, the flywheel. There’s my glade. And yes, here’s the on-off button. And this? This is the cutter. Can’t touch this.


While the constellation of Liquorious is busy playing Panpoop music, you need to do something for someone else for once. By all means, clean your partner’s windows, do the washing up, iron the night away. But when you come into the kitchen at the last minute… Ask if you can help… Don’t even think about it. Can’t touch this.


The constellation of Crabstiquous is in Vermin rising, which marks the end of this trying period for you. Relax. Breathe in and out. Wake up to your senses. Wake up and smell the roses. The aroma, that beautiful aroma of roses. Can’t touch this.




As the superior starsign, you can touch anything you want baby. Own it. You’re so wonderful that not even you can do better than you. Can’t touch this.





This month, Saturn is in the solar stare and told me that someone said you should get an open mouth from the beauty and wonder all around you for once. Yes, you CAN smile back at dogs. But not that one... oh shit, it’s got froth at the mouth and funny eyes… that dog is rabid. It has rabies. Rabies kills humans 100% of the time. Can’t touch this.




Hello Scabby Crabby. A life of luxury and crabsticks is spoiling you. It’s time to take a stroll, and walk all that disgusting fat off your body. Walk down the road. Up the hill. You jaunt through the trees. You stare solemnly into the moon’s reflection in the midnight lake. With trepidation, you dip your fat hands into the icy water to try and scoop it up. Can’t scoop the moon. It’s not real. Can’t touch this.


You know how last month I said you should take note of the number 17 and follow it like a white rabbit? And then I asked if you wanted the blue pill or the red pill? I was tricking you. And you ended up in the matrix. Can’t touch this.



Name: F.
Sex: Female
Star sign: Cancer.
Question: What should I dedicate my life to?

Welcome, F, and thanks for the question – finally, a real question! Now we’re getting somewhere. To mix things up this month, I’ve not only consulted with The Charts, but have also been delving into tea leaves. Well, tobacco. Tobacco and The Charts concur that this is indeed a question running through the minds of many Scabby Crabbies this month.

Because Scabby Crabbies are STUPID.

What makes you think you should dedicate your life to anything? Why not dedicated your life to… your life? I know, I know, mind blown, you’re welcome, get on with it.

READERS ! For a free, personal reading, please e-mail with your name, star sign, and a question about anything in the universe. Your question will be featured here next month with my response.