this month by Neenaw Wonderfulis & Ripoffe Merchande.

Mercury has grazed his knee and the Scorpius constellation is trying to scrape something off its shoe.

This month’s horoscrapes couldn’t come at a better scrapey time. It’s tax/slipping season.


This month, resident stargazer and psychotic, Neenaw Wonderfulis, has teamed up with her psychologist and crystal healing hobbyist, Ripoffe Merchande.



You've been scraping the bottom of the barrel for too long and coasting by - pathetically clinging to everyone else's coat tails. Have an original thought for once. And shave your beard, it looks naff.



It's time to blow off some steam out of those sizeable bull nostrils of yours. You've been like a pigheaded dog with a bone with all and sundry. Watch out that you don't become a bull in a China shop though. That way only horror lies. Step nimble. And let those sleeping dogs lie.



Happy birthday Virgo. This month, be mindful. It’s very important to be mindful. You can deal with the more basic stuff later. As long as you’re mindful and people know about it. No scrapes on you.



It's been scrapes and japes for you of late and you're always the last at the party. Time for you to get to bed before the sun comes up, my little wine dreg. You think people are laughing at the stories you regale them with - they're just laughing. Take a look at the person in the mirror. They're a mess.


Hello Pisces. I haven’t got much to say to you this month, because I’ve run out of scrape-related metaphors. Just, do your best.


Good afternoon Capricorn. To convince others you have a soul, write poetry and sing sad songs about how your heart has been crushed into ‘a million tiny pieces’ or something like that – others will only hear how bad it all is. But they’ll still be polite to you, you soulless old seagoat! Cover up: success.


Leo, oh Leo – scraping by on scraps of knowledge. A little learning is a dangerous thing. But it’s also really handy for all those superficial relationships you have. It makes you sound learned. Keep up the good work.




SAGGITARIUS As the superior star sign, other people are always pushing you over and your knees are permanently scarred with the scrapes of yesterdays gone by. Which is what yesterdays do. Why not make a change this month and kick people.





Scraping by? Scorpio in Greek means ‘Scrounger’, so do what you’re best at: find a very wealthy spouse and live off them. And don’t worry about it, because somewhere along the line of their rich family, someone just like you has also married for money – Scorpio is in their genes and you deserve each other.




In a world of password-protected food, it ain’t easy to scrape by, my little scrapey crab apple. But why not use your crusty pincers to grab hold of something that’s worth it? No use floating around in space hoping something’ll turn up, because it won’t.


After the failure of the Aquariai’s small business, this entrepreneur is looking for new ideas. Well today’s your lucky day. In a fruitful collaboration with Mars, Venus has just published a printed online guide on how to sell Crisis, everyone’s favourite brand.

> JULY issue

by Nina Bitchin

Check your past did not go accordingly to plan... Madness.